finally

As I’ve always said, crying doesn’t make you any stronger it just makes you feel relieved.

Sometimes I think that I’m not allowed to be sad when everything around me is all good. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve everything I have now. When people look at me, they say that I’m lucky to be in my position now and I should be grateful for everything, well.. I am grateful for everything but the truth is I feel like I’m failing and collapsing and dying inside. There’s a lot going on inside me that I just can’t tell anyone and last night I finally broke down, I cried so much to the point where I had to say stop to myself.

Things will get better but when will things get better? As far as I remember, I have been keeping everything to myself and not letting anyone knows all about me. The thought of open up to people scares me a lot, nobody can be trusted-even your family. I told myself last night that I have to be strong to face everything because… well, I’ve been strong for myself since I got here. I survived my parents fight, I survived when I was sent here, I survived when I got into my deepest darkest side of my life, I survived when I hit rock bottom, I survived when I thought about suicide, I survived all the nasty things said to me, I survived all my broken hearts, I survived all the crying-myself-to-sleep nights so I have to be brave for whatever lies ahead of me, right?

My tears would fall again later because no matter how much I tell myself to be brave I will still feel scared but I hope until then I can be brave to smile through my tears and laugh off my sadness.

here’s to what lies ahead,

Cheers.

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