The Aftermath

When things fall apart I feel everything, sometimes it’s too much because I can’t seem to find a solid ground to stand when I’m overwhelmed, I just lost myself with all the feelings and came back to the world as a drained battery but as times goes by I found myself developed a habit to ignore myself. It makes my life easier to keep up with daily life, but… it’s destructing. I didn’t cry when I should’ve cried and I held my feelings back for a long time that it gets really dangerous when I stumbled upon the edge of my sadness. This is the recipe for a disaster, believe me, but then again I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.”

Haruki Murakami

It’s so true and I wish I had known this earlier because now I’m lying on the ground banging my head against the floor regretting what I’ve expected. I don’t think I understand myself even after everything. Tons of things I couldn’t explain to anyone makes it harder, I feel like a freak. I can’t tell anything to anyone about what I’ve been through, I can’t forget the things I’ve been through, I hate myself for making stupid mistakes, I just don’t get myself.

Last Friday I watched dramas to forget things, I stayed up all night long to tire myself out so I won’t have much time to feel sad on Saturday and so I spent half of the day inside my blanket trying to forget the outside world & my feelings. I really thought I would cry myself out because I was sobbing the day before but surprisingly I functioned well that day. I felt nothing that day… I wasn’t happy, for obvious reasons.  I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was but I couldn’t find it. It felt like I was on autopilot. I liked it.

Today is the aftermath of saturday & sunday. My sadness is here, circulating all over my body, flowing through my blood, seeping into the insides of my bones. I feel everything yet I couldn’t say anything.

Here’s to my wrecked mind,

Cheers.

I’m in pain.

I’m sad.

You caused this, you did this to someone else. You’re not supposed to be sad, what the fuck you think you’re doing? People suffered because of you.

I didn’t mean it..

You did, you’re a stupid trash

I know.. I hurt their feelings too much.. I was so mean..

They hate you.. they have scars forever thanks to you!!

I’m sorry..

It doesn’t change anything you stupid.

It doesn’t.. It hurts..

Hurt? You deserved it. 

I hate myself

Me too.. everyone else thinks the same too, you’re an emotionless robot with no heart. You’re a trash.

I don’t deserve to be where I am now..

Yes, you don’t.. you should be in a lot of pain now.

I am in pain..

You need more pain in your life

Why am I like this 😦

You chose this

I did not. I miss me..

This is you.. you’re a horrible person, it’s you.