The reason why

I write here because I feel very uncomfortable to speak to anyone about what I feel and because I don’t have the strength to say this in person.

An open letter to my father.

Did you get my text? Did you know that I asked for your number because I wanted to reach out to you even though it was just a happy new year greeting? Didn’t you hear stories about me from mom? Is it that hard to call me and ask how I’m doing now? How have you been?

I texted him earlier this January but I got nothing, I guess the number was out of order. He changed his number maybe.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he didn’t try to reach out to me for once. I was so nervous when I asked his number to my sister & mom because I’ve never done that before. It took a huge amount of courage to ask his number considering I’ve never talked about him to my family and well, he only asked to my mom about me.  I was just trying to reach out but maybe its not the right time, yet. Maybe he’s afraid, just like me.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he has new kids now. It’s painful to hear stories from my sister talking about how he visit them with his new kids. I’m not sure what to do if I ever get to meet them.

A new year is coming but I still cry at the thought of meeting him. It’s ridiculous and weird and stupid.

A new year is coming but I still get stuck with this pain. I wonder if I have the courage to make peace with him next year.





6 is in her thirties

For as long as I can remember, I know that numbers have genders. I can’t remember when it started or how did I come up with it… it was just there. I thought this was really weird and stupid so I never told anyone. After stumbled upon my old note that contain a list of my numbers complete with their genders, I finally decided to ask my friends about it. Well, they were surprised & confused at my question. Genders? Numbers? Numbers doesn’t have any gender. They were so confused that they asked me 3 times, dang I was embarrassed. I really thought I was stupid or crazy.

Clearly I’m not normal so I typed giving genders to numbers on google and began searching because I just want to know is it a crazy thought or pure stupidity. Turned out that there’s quiet a lot of people who experience this although its not really common . It’s a form of Synesthesia called Ordinal Linguistic Personification.

Synesthesia (also spelled synæsthesia or synaesthesia; from the Ancient Greek σύν syn, “together”, and αἴσθησις aisthēsis, “sensation“) is a neurological phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway.

Ordinal Linguistic Personification is a form of synesthesia in which ordered sequences, such as ordinal numbers, days, months and letters are associated with personalities (Simner & Hubbard 2006).

The first time I realise about OLP is through someone’s post and when she said that 6 is a male I made a face and said to myself, but 6 is a female.. she’s in her thirties. I realised then that not everyone thinks the same about this..

So here it is,

1   = male in his fifties

2   = female in her fifties

3   = female in her teenage year

4   = female in her early twenties

5   = male in his mid twenties

6   = female in her thirties

7   = male in his thirties (a little older than 6)

8   = female in her late twenties

9   = female in her late twenties

10 = male in his early thirties

Do you know that the numbers have relationship as well?

The Relationships

1 and 2 are married to each other. They have two daughters, 3 & 4.

4 & 5 are in a relationship. 6 & 7 are in a relationship.

8 & 9 are best friends. 9 & 10 are in a relationship.

1 is a family guy that everyone respect.  His wife, 2 is sweet & everything good… the kindest of all and always nice to everyone.

3  (giggles a lot) is the cute little sister that looks up to 4.

4 is a pretty girl. She has short dark hair and big eyes. She smile a lot and love her sister. Happily in a relationship with 5.

5 is the nice & social handsome guy, he’s in a relationship with 4.

6 isn’t as pretty as 9 and she’s not as healthy as the others but she’s a nice lady. I’m not sure why she get sick easily. Thank God for 7 by her side.

7 is one of my favourite person, he’s just a normal average guy with charms that shows how good he is as a person, and I’m glad that 6 end up with him (she’s the love of his life).

8 has a strong body & mind. Sometimes people could easily take her as a difficult person but she’s actually really nice. She has been friends with 9 since their teenager years despite the personalities differences.

9 is a beautiful & graceful woman. You see, 9 is in love with 10 but for him its just a relationship, I’m not sure that 10 loves 9 as much as 9 loves him.

10 isn’t a bad person but somehow he gives me the bad boy vibes because he doesn’t seem to be sincere towards 9.

I hope that wasn’t crazy enough for you to laugh at my post. Finding a little fact about me feels weird because I never thought there’s a name for what I have and the more I read about synesthesia the interesting it gets because I found out that there are others that associates numbers with colors, word with specific taste, and a lot more!

So? do you think I’m crazy? stupid maybe?

OR do you have genders for numbers too? or maybe letters? months? days?


The Aftermath

When things fall apart I feel everything, sometimes it’s too much because I can’t seem to find a solid ground to stand when I’m overwhelmed, I just lost myself with all the feelings and came back to the world as a drained battery but as times goes by I found myself developed a habit to ignore myself. It makes my life easier to keep up with daily life, but… it’s destructing. I didn’t cry when I should’ve cried and I held my feelings back for a long time that it gets really dangerous when I stumbled upon the edge of my sadness. This is the recipe for a disaster, believe me, but then again I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.”

Haruki Murakami

It’s so true and I wish I had known this earlier because now I’m lying on the ground banging my head against the floor regretting what I’ve expected. I don’t think I understand myself even after everything. Tons of things I couldn’t explain to anyone makes it harder, I feel like a freak. I can’t tell anything to anyone about what I’ve been through, I can’t forget the things I’ve been through, I hate myself for making stupid mistakes, I just don’t get myself.

Last Friday I watched dramas to forget things, I stayed up all night long to tire myself out so I won’t have much time to feel sad on Saturday and so I spent half of the day inside my blanket trying to forget the outside world & my feelings. I really thought I would cry myself out because I was sobbing the day before but surprisingly I functioned well that day. I felt nothing that day… I wasn’t happy, for obvious reasons.  I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was but I couldn’t find it. It felt like I was on autopilot. I liked it.

Today is the aftermath of saturday & sunday. My sadness is here, circulating all over my body, flowing through my blood, seeping into the insides of my bones. I feel everything yet I couldn’t say anything.

Here’s to my wrecked mind,


I’m in pain.

I’m sad.

You caused this, you did this to someone else. You’re not supposed to be sad, what the fuck you think you’re doing? People suffered because of you.

I didn’t mean it..

You did, you’re a stupid trash

I know.. I hurt their feelings too much.. I was so mean..

They hate you.. they have scars forever thanks to you!!

I’m sorry..

It doesn’t change anything you stupid.

It doesn’t.. It hurts..

Hurt? You deserved it. 

I hate myself

Me too.. everyone else thinks the same too, you’re an emotionless robot with no heart. You’re a trash.

I don’t deserve to be where I am now..

Yes, you don’t.. you should be in a lot of pain now.

I am in pain..

You need more pain in your life

Why am I like this 😦

You chose this

I did not. I miss me..

This is you.. you’re a horrible person, it’s you.

Remember me?

how are you?
do you still remember me?
how long has it been since the last time we met?
3 years ago I had the chance to meet you but I didn’t,

I was too scared to meet you, I was worried whether you would remember me or not, I was afraid of being rejected again,
and that was the day i regret the most.
It still hurts after all this time.
I wanted to meet you so bad that I cried at the thought of it.




/* He ll o there, this post is written on Oct 28. */

I received an email from the past, I used a time capsule application last year just for fun and I was a bit surprised to read the letter first thing in the morning. Here’s a glimpse of it,


Don’t let anyone make you sad without your permission. Don’t let anyone take any advantage of you.

Don’t let your past stop you for whatever you’re about to do.

Don’t let your stupid walls prevent you to get close to anyone.

Be the woman you’ve always wanted.


I smiled at my phone. I feel perfectly fine today despite the fact that I was so miserably anxious and uneasy yesterday.

well.. good for me,


hi there

I remember a few months ago I had trouble sleeping for a week, I constantly woken up around 2-3 am every night and had several nightmares. Sometimes the dreams were so real I even dreamed about seeing things in my room (the picture was so vivid I thought it was for real), I was so afraid I slept with the lights on that week. The thing is, the next morning I woke up like nothing happened…well I did felt really tired at work, but other than that I was okay..

But today I woke up with an uneasy feeling (again, yes I’ve had this several times) and still not sure why.. I didn’t have any nightmares or anything so it’s kinda confusing. Has anyone ever been in this kind of situation?

Anyway, I tried my hardest to focus at work today..


above picture is my doodle of the day,