Long drafted feelings

I’m on the verge of crying…

I’m holding my tears now. ugh i hate this kind of situation. I want to go. I

 

the above opening lines were written on January *sighs* I always have stupid sad feelings in the first few days of new year. It’s april now and no I’m not on the verge of crying. Hows your first few months of 2016? Mine are much better than last year, because I remember I was in so much pain for the first few months, I cried a lot – for different reasons.

hey, its May… I’ve ignored my draft for almost a month. typical. I stopped writing about the pain because I was reading my ohlife notes trying to remember what kind of pain I had and got carried on. I’m doing so much better this year, the painful burden has lifted off of my shoulders, my eyes no longer cry for days with the same problem, I enjoy my freedom.

The freedom that I’ve longed for years. The freedom that I thought would free me *inserts cynical laughs* I honestly thought I would feel much better and happier with it so I can forget the pain… I was partly wrong.

 

hey, its still May.. the 20th. I forgot to continue because I had so much on my mind, call me lazy or whatever but I can’t write when I’m overwhelmed, too busy thinking about things I hate & love.

 

HEY ITS JUNE. First of June… I have been too busy with my mind these days, it’s hard to keep up with life. I can’t believe we’re in the middle o

 

hey there, it’s October 18 now… I ignored this draft for 3 months and here I am trying to write what I feel about 2016.

2016 has been pretty good so far,

  • I got to watch a concert while having a trip with new friends
  • Yes, new friends… I managed to add new friends in my life, something I’ve never imagined before.
  • I bought 2 novels for less than $10 in Singapore
  • I’m learning to ignore what people think about me but damn it’s hard
  • More painful past memory popped out
  • but still less crying compared to the first half of 2015
  • I found out what I’ve searched for
  • and still trying to understand so I can accept it
  • Felt relieved & frustrated at the same time when I learned about some things

I struggled so much at the first stage of letting go of something behind, I cried and cried and cried but it only add up my sadness… I felt lost and empty. I cursed myself for feeling so lost because I’m the one who wanted to let go of things but turned out it was one of the hardest thing in my life. I remember crying for half a day, spending the rest of the afternoon wrapped in my blanket trying to forget the outside world. I couldn’t accept the reality.

It’s like having 2 persons in 1 body.

The one who is in constant fear doesn’t want to let go, she’s afraid of being alone, she’s afraid of changes.

The one who is anxious about almost everything wants to go away from it, she wants to be free, she wants to live her life normally, she wants to be happy.

I kept going back & forth about my decision, even after I decided to let go I still found a part of me wanting to go back again. I hate myself so much for doing so, how could I think about going back to what almost destroyed me completely. HOWEVER, that was all in the past.. I can proudly say that I’ve passed the letting go part and I’m moving on with my life now although I still find myself regretting the past until this day, regretting and despising myself when the memories popped out.

All these years…. Maybe I should talk to someone about what happened but I don’t know who to talk to. I can’t bring myself to talk about it. I don’t know…

ANYWAY

How’s your 2016 so far?

I’m not saying this carelessly or just saying because this is what people should tell everyone but I sincerely hope you’re doing better than 2015…

ps. it’s the 26th now, I forgot to post earlier because of things (again). It took me almost 10 months to finalise and publish this *sighs*

here’s to my last day being 26 on the 26th,

Cheers.

finally

As I’ve always said, crying doesn’t make you any stronger it just makes you feel relieved.

Sometimes I think that I’m not allowed to be sad when everything around me is all good. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve everything I have now. When people look at me, they say that I’m lucky to be in my position now and I should be grateful for everything, well.. I am grateful for everything but the truth is I feel like I’m failing and collapsing and dying inside. There’s a lot going on inside me that I just can’t tell anyone and last night I finally broke down, I cried so much to the point where I had to say stop to myself.

Things will get better but when will things get better? As far as I remember, I have been keeping everything to myself and not letting anyone knows all about me. The thought of open up to people scares me a lot, nobody can be trusted-even your family. I told myself last night that I have to be strong to face everything because… well, I’ve been strong for myself since I got here. I survived my parents fight, I survived when I was sent here, I survived when I got into my deepest darkest side of my life, I survived when I hit rock bottom, I survived when I thought about suicide, I survived all the nasty things said to me, I survived all my broken hearts, I survived all the crying-myself-to-sleep nights so I have to be brave for whatever lies ahead of me, right?

My tears would fall again later because no matter how much I tell myself to be brave I will still feel scared but I hope until then I can be brave to smile through my tears and laugh off my sadness.

here’s to what lies ahead,

Cheers.