I have a lot to say but only this doodle came out,
/* He ll o there, this post is written on Oct 28. */
I received an email from the past, I used a time capsule application last year just for fun and I was a bit surprised to read the letter first thing in the morning. Here’s a glimpse of it,
Don’t let anyone make you sad without your permission. Don’t let anyone take any advantage of you.
Don’t let your past stop you for whatever you’re about to do.
Don’t let your stupid walls prevent you to get close to anyone.
Be the woman you’ve always wanted.
I smiled at my phone. I feel perfectly fine today despite the fact that I was so miserably anxious and uneasy yesterday.
well.. good for me,
I remember a few months ago I had trouble sleeping for a week, I constantly woken up around 2-3 am every night and had several nightmares. Sometimes the dreams were so real I even dreamed about seeing things in my room (the picture was so vivid I thought it was for real), I was so afraid I slept with the lights on that week. The thing is, the next morning I woke up like nothing happened…well I did felt really tired at work, but other than that I was okay..
But today I woke up with an uneasy feeling (again, yes I’ve had this several times) and still not sure why.. I didn’t have any nightmares or anything so it’s kinda confusing. Has anyone ever been in this kind of situation?
Anyway, I tried my hardest to focus at work today..
above picture is my doodle of the day,
I don’t know who to blame for what I’ve been through but last night I blamed myself for remembering some of the most painful memories I have.
It’s crazy how memories just popped out randomly. I was on my way home and suddenly my mind was really painful, I could feel my eyes were watery. When I took a shower, my eyes hurts a lot from holding the tears, I splashed my face with water so the tears would go away. I saw my reflection in the mirror, my eyes were slowly turning red. I hate that kind of situation. I was so mad at myself.
Why do we only have 1 life? Why can’t we have several lives?
You know.. in case of something terrible happen and you can’t get yourself out of it. In case you kinda lost yourself somewhere and you just can’t pull yourself together. In case you forgot how to be a human. In case you don’t understand what you’re feeling.
I was so distant with everyone I used to cry myself to sleep
It felt good.. Crying myself to sleep is one of my favorite things to do
I did that a lot.. to the point of being sick of crying.
I wrote somewhere in my old blog that crying doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you weaker.
I was right, right?
I grew up with no concern of being hurt or anything
I grew up forgetting and avoiding painful memories
I grew up struggling with my anxiety which nobody knows
I grew up worrying if I would ever be good enough
I grew up trying to bury my past and present
I grew up building my walls
It was all good
I was safe from everyone..
No one could hurt me anymore
No one could make feel left out anymore
so I learned how to push people
I learned how to blame people
I learned how to accept things without asking anything
I learned how to shut my mouth
I learned how to break inside without telling anyone
I learned how to struggle quietly
I learned how to be strong on the outside so no one will mess with me
I learned how to disguise feelings
I learned how to fake smiles
I learned how to make up stories
I learned how to sugar-coat my worries
I learned how to forget things
I learned how to ignore things
I learned how to numb myself
I learned that no one will always be there for me
I learned that nothing in this world is easy
I learned how to be alone
I learned how to survive alone
but still.. I really should thank God that I’m still alive..