Long drafted feelings

I’m on the verge of crying…

I’m holding my tears now. ugh i hate this kind of situation. I want to go. I

 

the above opening lines were written on January *sighs* I always have stupid sad feelings in the first few days of new year. It’s april now and no I’m not on the verge of crying. Hows your first few months of 2016? Mine are much better than last year, because I remember I was in so much pain for the first few months, I cried a lot – for different reasons.

hey, its May… I’ve ignored my draft for almost a month. typical. I stopped writing about the pain because I was reading my ohlife notes trying to remember what kind of pain I had and got carried on. I’m doing so much better this year, the painful burden has lifted off of my shoulders, my eyes no longer cry for days with the same problem, I enjoy my freedom.

The freedom that I’ve longed for years. The freedom that I thought would free me *inserts cynical laughs* I honestly thought I would feel much better and happier with it so I can forget the pain… I was partly wrong.

 

hey, its still May.. the 20th. I forgot to continue because I had so much on my mind, call me lazy or whatever but I can’t write when I’m overwhelmed, too busy thinking about things I hate & love.

 

HEY ITS JUNE. First of June… I have been too busy with my mind these days, it’s hard to keep up with life. I can’t believe we’re in the middle o

 

hey there, it’s October 18 now… I ignored this draft for 3 months and here I am trying to write what I feel about 2016.

2016 has been pretty good so far,

  • I got to watch a concert while having a trip with new friends
  • Yes, new friends… I managed to add new friends in my life, something I’ve never imagined before.
  • I bought 2 novels for less than $10 in Singapore
  • I’m learning to ignore what people think about me but damn it’s hard
  • More painful past memory popped out
  • but still less crying compared to the first half of 2015
  • I found out what I’ve searched for
  • and still trying to understand so I can accept it
  • Felt relieved & frustrated at the same time when I learned about some things

I struggled so much at the first stage of letting go of something behind, I cried and cried and cried but it only add up my sadness… I felt lost and empty. I cursed myself for feeling so lost because I’m the one who wanted to let go of things but turned out it was one of the hardest thing in my life. I remember crying for half a day, spending the rest of the afternoon wrapped in my blanket trying to forget the outside world. I couldn’t accept the reality.

It’s like having 2 persons in 1 body.

The one who is in constant fear doesn’t want to let go, she’s afraid of being alone, she’s afraid of changes.

The one who is anxious about almost everything wants to go away from it, she wants to be free, she wants to live her life normally, she wants to be happy.

I kept going back & forth about my decision, even after I decided to let go I still found a part of me wanting to go back again. I hate myself so much for doing so, how could I think about going back to what almost destroyed me completely. HOWEVER, that was all in the past.. I can proudly say that I’ve passed the letting go part and I’m moving on with my life now although I still find myself regretting the past until this day, regretting and despising myself when the memories popped out.

All these years…. Maybe I should talk to someone about what happened but I don’t know who to talk to. I can’t bring myself to talk about it. I don’t know…

ANYWAY

How’s your 2016 so far?

I’m not saying this carelessly or just saying because this is what people should tell everyone but I sincerely hope you’re doing better than 2015…

ps. it’s the 26th now, I forgot to post earlier because of things (again). It took me almost 10 months to finalise and publish this *sighs*

here’s to my last day being 26 on the 26th,

Cheers.

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The Aftermath

When things fall apart I feel everything, sometimes it’s too much because I can’t seem to find a solid ground to stand when I’m overwhelmed, I just lost myself with all the feelings and came back to the world as a drained battery but as times goes by I found myself developed a habit to ignore myself. It makes my life easier to keep up with daily life, but… it’s destructing. I didn’t cry when I should’ve cried and I held my feelings back for a long time that it gets really dangerous when I stumbled upon the edge of my sadness. This is the recipe for a disaster, believe me, but then again I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.”

Haruki Murakami

It’s so true and I wish I had known this earlier because now I’m lying on the ground banging my head against the floor regretting what I’ve expected. I don’t think I understand myself even after everything. Tons of things I couldn’t explain to anyone makes it harder, I feel like a freak. I can’t tell anything to anyone about what I’ve been through, I can’t forget the things I’ve been through, I hate myself for making stupid mistakes, I just don’t get myself.

Last Friday I watched dramas to forget things, I stayed up all night long to tire myself out so I won’t have much time to feel sad on Saturday and so I spent half of the day inside my blanket trying to forget the outside world & my feelings. I really thought I would cry myself out because I was sobbing the day before but surprisingly I functioned well that day. I felt nothing that day… I wasn’t happy, for obvious reasons.  I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was but I couldn’t find it. It felt like I was on autopilot. I liked it.

Today is the aftermath of saturday & sunday. My sadness is here, circulating all over my body, flowing through my blood, seeping into the insides of my bones. I feel everything yet I couldn’t say anything.

Here’s to my wrecked mind,

Cheers.

the walls you build yourself

credit to the owner

I learned something this morning, empathy. Of course I didn’t know what it was, i thought it was another sympathy word… it’s not. Empathy means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. I don’t even have the ability to understand my own feeling so it was hard for me. I hate it. I tried to listen but the stupid side of me decided to give various unfriendly advice that contains nothing. Where exactly were my feelings? I realised why I’m not good at understanding people, I simply didn’t know what to say. I have few experience related to this part of being human but I didn’t realised how terrible I am until this morning.

There’s a reason why I have 9 diaries, 3 blogs, and several other little notes to spill my heart. I always find it hard to share myself with others, I mean the real me… what I really feel, what I think, what makes me passionate, what freaks me out, what makes me cry instantly, what I love being in love, and thousands other hidden feelings I hold back. I tend to avoid people who wants to be close with me, the stupid wall is still there. It’s all my fault, didn’t try to change myself for good. I think I did opened myself to several people.. well no… several means more than two, so no. I think I did opened myself to specific person(s) I knew, the process was exhausting, the result was average. That was wrong, so wrong. How am I gonna understand other people feelings if I can’t even express myself *sighs* I’m sorry to all my family and friends that had been hurt by my lack of empathy, lack of expressions and sometimes to the extreme of too much unimportant words.

Please don’t hate me, Cheers.

Have I told you lately

that I’m tired ? Tired of the same thing all over again… Tired of being positive when other people can only tell you the negative sides… Tired of being strong and happy when I’m not… I tried hard to understand why things happened but to be honest today I lost it. I never wanted to hate people, anyone, even those who hurt me, I’m not the kind of person to confront everything in public – I like to keep it to myself – at least I’m the only one who will get hurt.

credit to me, yep.

credit to me, yep.

I can’t believe how I got through the past 5 tough years, believe me there were so much going on I really wanna forget almost everything. I’m a careless ignorant person with a tendency to forget things within hours so it should be easy for me to trash my shitty memories but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. This is what makes me furious, I forget things easily but there are some things I can’t forget even if I want to. ugh why. why. WHY. WHY. 

Things at home, things at work, things with my family, things with myself, things with my other close ones.. yeah, this year marks the first step of numerous changes in my life. I remember wrote about how I should be strong to face the changes at the beginning of the year… easy to write, hard to do, even harder to get through.

So yes I lost it today, lost my patience, lost my confidence, lost sight of what I can achieve ahead, lost a little bit of me. Things are harder when you think you know about them. Thing will get better but for now I’m going to take in all the feelings & listen to some good music below,

When you leave – Chantal Chamberland

Paradise (Peponi) – Coldplay cover by The Piano Boys ft. Alex Boye

I won’t give up – Jason Mraz cover by Peter Hollens

Best thing I never had – Beyonce

Time After Time – cover by The Vazquez Sounds

The Nearness of you – Norah Jones

Painter Song – Norah Jones

Mas Que Amor – Il Volo

Try listening to them and go cry your heart out to loosen up so you feel a bit better,

Cheers.

 

end of 1st half season

originally written on Aug 8th, published today

It’s summer break! Can’t believe we’re here already the first half season is over, Vettel still lead the championship with Kimi & Alonso behind. Watching F1 is like planning my life in a calendar, F1 calendar to be exact. I always try to watch every race but sometimes I can’t mess my other schedule. I recall some of my memories based on the races I watched, when Kimi left F1 I was sad… Kimi went rallying but I didn’t watch rally, as time goes by I watched no race at all… I focused on completing my studies, those days are a bit blurry because I tend to forget days, months, or even years of my life that I hated more than I should.

and then BAM! Kimi did an amazing comeback last year, showed the world he did not lost any skill or whatever, he even came back stronger, he entertained the viewers (and even commentators), won a race with a fantastic defense driving and of course finished third in WDC. Iceman is definitely back.

I realized how F1 affects my daily life memories. 2013 season is running great (I think) so far except for some things I’m not pleased with. Anyway this is so freakishly strange, I remember the races, the podiums, the dramas, the excitements of the 1st half  but I have no idea where my other days went to. I cried over the same thing all over again this month, met my high school friends every 2 months, got a pay raise, went crazy in every single race, planned a trip, canceling a trip (I’m still in the middle of a dilemma), excited for another trip (the one that I’m sure of), listened to Il Volo again, worried for Kimi WDC points (a bit pointless but well yeah), had lots of fun with my cousins, went for a bike instead of swimming, dealt with so many unpleasant people, laughed at everything… I have no idea how my first half went except that I’m getting older.

How do you keep track of your life actually? I tried doing the OhLife, went pretty great for the first weeks but I screwed up this month. Does anyone here doing the OhLife as well? 

Here’s to summer break,

Cheers.

Everything wrong

Hi there.. I'm not sure what to say now, it's all so complicated so be prepared to read unrelated paragraphs and a bit of breaking down.

credit to the owner

credit to the owner

A joke I had with a friend about me being "everything wrong" is slowly getting real in my life. I guess I have to stop joking about this.

I wanna be strong for myself, for my future, for everyone in my life but there are people who just let you down like that's the right thing to do. Did I do wrong all this time ? Am I doing everything wrong ? What should I do to fix everything ? What should I do to have answers for these questions ?

I hate that I can't enjoy some things just because I have nothing to enjoy. Wth did i said? Yes, just like when you want to celebrate Father's day but you don't have one or because you lost yours. There are thousands of feelings and celebrations I can't enjoy.

People's first impression of me is mostly about how I look irritable (sometimes scary or rude) which is not entirely false, I always have a wall of defense with new people. It's hard to get close with anyone, well gotta admit I don't really like opening up myself to others... I hate being vulnerable. Luckily people around me doesn't ask much, it's good. 

So the thing is, I just had a bad morning mood. I feel guilty. I would like to fix it. I just don't know how so I write this. I hope you're having a great morning.

bye,

Cheers.

Hello again world

The time has come again for me 

And I’m feelin’ the same way all over again 

Feelin’ the same way all over again 

Singin’ the same lines all over again

-Feelin’ the same way by Norah Jones

I need to say hello again world (deleted my old one) I feel like I’m in my first day of school, again.

It’s sucks but hey it’s good to have a blog again and uhm..happy first day of March!

Speaking of March, this third month is really something. First things first my friend just resigned yesterday I’m happy for her and a bit sad for me (not that I don’t have any friends here). Today I had to face a project I hated but thankfully F1 will begin the season’s first race on 17th 🙂 so I have something to look forward every single day 😉

I’m hoping for a fresh start and I will try to be grateful for whatever changes I’ll have to face,

Cheers.