The reason why

I write here because I feel very uncomfortable to speak to anyone about what I feel and because I don’t have the strength to say this in person.

An open letter to my father.

Did you get my text? Did you know that I asked for your number because I wanted to reach out to you even though it was just a happy new year greeting? Didn’t you hear stories about me from mom? Is it that hard to call me and ask how I’m doing now? How have you been?

I texted him earlier this January but I got nothing, I guess the number was out of order. He changed his number maybe.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he didn’t try to reach out to me for once. I was so nervous when I asked his number to my sister & mom because I’ve never done that before. It took a huge amount of courage to ask his number considering I’ve never talked about him to my family and well, he only asked to my mom about me.  I was just trying to reach out but maybe its not the right time, yet. Maybe he’s afraid, just like me.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he has new kids now. It’s painful to hear stories from my sister talking about how he visit them with his new kids. I’m not sure what to do if I ever get to meet them.

A new year is coming but I still cry at the thought of meeting him. It’s ridiculous and weird and stupid.

A new year is coming but I still get stuck with this pain. I wonder if I have the courage to make peace with him next year.

 

anyway,

Cheers.

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Have I told you lately

that I’m tired ? Tired of the same thing all over again… Tired of being positive when other people can only tell you the negative sides… Tired of being strong and happy when I’m not… I tried hard to understand why things happened but to be honest today I lost it. I never wanted to hate people, anyone, even those who hurt me, I’m not the kind of person to confront everything in public – I like to keep it to myself – at least I’m the only one who will get hurt.

credit to me, yep.

credit to me, yep.

I can’t believe how I got through the past 5 tough years, believe me there were so much going on I really wanna forget almost everything. I’m a careless ignorant person with a tendency to forget things within hours so it should be easy for me to trash my shitty memories but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. This is what makes me furious, I forget things easily but there are some things I can’t forget even if I want to. ugh why. why. WHY. WHY. 

Things at home, things at work, things with my family, things with myself, things with my other close ones.. yeah, this year marks the first step of numerous changes in my life. I remember wrote about how I should be strong to face the changes at the beginning of the year… easy to write, hard to do, even harder to get through.

So yes I lost it today, lost my patience, lost my confidence, lost sight of what I can achieve ahead, lost a little bit of me. Things are harder when you think you know about them. Thing will get better but for now I’m going to take in all the feelings & listen to some good music below,

When you leave – Chantal Chamberland

Paradise (Peponi) – Coldplay cover by The Piano Boys ft. Alex Boye

I won’t give up – Jason Mraz cover by Peter Hollens

Best thing I never had – Beyonce

Time After Time – cover by The Vazquez Sounds

The Nearness of you – Norah Jones

Painter Song – Norah Jones

Mas Que Amor – Il Volo

Try listening to them and go cry your heart out to loosen up so you feel a bit better,

Cheers.