Long drafted feelings

I’m on the verge of crying…

I’m holding my tears now. ugh i hate this kind of situation. I want to go. I

 

the above opening lines were written on January *sighs* I always have stupid sad feelings in the first few days of new year. It’s april now and no I’m not on the verge of crying. Hows your first few months of 2016? Mine are much better than last year, because I remember I was in so much pain for the first few months, I cried a lot – for different reasons.

hey, its May… I’ve ignored my draft for almost a month. typical. I stopped writing about the pain because I was reading my ohlife notes trying to remember what kind of pain I had and got carried on. I’m doing so much better this year, the painful burden has lifted off of my shoulders, my eyes no longer cry for days with the same problem, I enjoy my freedom.

The freedom that I’ve longed for years. The freedom that I thought would free me *inserts cynical laughs* I honestly thought I would feel much better and happier with it so I can forget the pain… I was partly wrong.

 

hey, its still May.. the 20th. I forgot to continue because I had so much on my mind, call me lazy or whatever but I can’t write when I’m overwhelmed, too busy thinking about things I hate & love.

 

HEY ITS JUNE. First of June… I have been too busy with my mind these days, it’s hard to keep up with life. I can’t believe we’re in the middle o

 

hey there, it’s October 18 now… I ignored this draft for 3 months and here I am trying to write what I feel about 2016.

2016 has been pretty good so far,

  • I got to watch a concert while having a trip with new friends
  • Yes, new friends… I managed to add new friends in my life, something I’ve never imagined before.
  • I bought 2 novels for less than $10 in Singapore
  • I’m learning to ignore what people think about me but damn it’s hard
  • More painful past memory popped out
  • but still less crying compared to the first half of 2015
  • I found out what I’ve searched for
  • and still trying to understand so I can accept it
  • Felt relieved & frustrated at the same time when I learned about some things

I struggled so much at the first stage of letting go of something behind, I cried and cried and cried but it only add up my sadness… I felt lost and empty. I cursed myself for feeling so lost because I’m the one who wanted to let go of things but turned out it was one of the hardest thing in my life. I remember crying for half a day, spending the rest of the afternoon wrapped in my blanket trying to forget the outside world. I couldn’t accept the reality.

It’s like having 2 persons in 1 body.

The one who is in constant fear doesn’t want to let go, she’s afraid of being alone, she’s afraid of changes.

The one who is anxious about almost everything wants to go away from it, she wants to be free, she wants to live her life normally, she wants to be happy.

I kept going back & forth about my decision, even after I decided to let go I still found a part of me wanting to go back again. I hate myself so much for doing so, how could I think about going back to what almost destroyed me completely. HOWEVER, that was all in the past.. I can proudly say that I’ve passed the letting go part and I’m moving on with my life now although I still find myself regretting the past until this day, regretting and despising myself when the memories popped out.

All these years…. Maybe I should talk to someone about what happened but I don’t know who to talk to. I can’t bring myself to talk about it. I don’t know…

ANYWAY

How’s your 2016 so far?

I’m not saying this carelessly or just saying because this is what people should tell everyone but I sincerely hope you’re doing better than 2015…

ps. it’s the 26th now, I forgot to post earlier because of things (again). It took me almost 10 months to finalise and publish this *sighs*

here’s to my last day being 26 on the 26th,

Cheers.

The reason why

I write here because I feel very uncomfortable to speak to anyone about what I feel and because I don’t have the strength to say this in person.

An open letter to my father.

Did you get my text? Did you know that I asked for your number because I wanted to reach out to you even though it was just a happy new year greeting? Didn’t you hear stories about me from mom? Is it that hard to call me and ask how I’m doing now? How have you been?

I texted him earlier this January but I got nothing, I guess the number was out of order. He changed his number maybe.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he didn’t try to reach out to me for once. I was so nervous when I asked his number to my sister & mom because I’ve never done that before. It took a huge amount of courage to ask his number considering I’ve never talked about him to my family and well, he only asked to my mom about me.  I was just trying to reach out but maybe its not the right time, yet. Maybe he’s afraid, just like me.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he has new kids now. It’s painful to hear stories from my sister talking about how he visit them with his new kids. I’m not sure what to do if I ever get to meet them.

A new year is coming but I still cry at the thought of meeting him. It’s ridiculous and weird and stupid.

A new year is coming but I still get stuck with this pain. I wonder if I have the courage to make peace with him next year.

 

anyway,

Cheers.

6 is in her thirties

For as long as I can remember, I know that numbers have genders. I can’t remember when it started or how did I come up with it… it was just there. I thought this was really weird and stupid so I never told anyone. After stumbled upon my old note that contain a list of my numbers complete with their genders, I finally decided to ask my friends about it. Well, they were surprised & confused at my question. Genders? Numbers? Numbers doesn’t have any gender. They were so confused that they asked me 3 times, dang I was embarrassed. I really thought I was stupid or crazy.

Clearly I’m not normal so I typed giving genders to numbers on google and began searching because I just want to know is it a crazy thought or pure stupidity. Turned out that there’s quiet a lot of people who experience this although its not really common . It’s a form of Synesthesia called Ordinal Linguistic Personification.

Synesthesia (also spelled synæsthesia or synaesthesia; from the Ancient Greek σύν syn, “together”, and αἴσθησις aisthēsis, “sensation“) is a neurological phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway.

Ordinal Linguistic Personification is a form of synesthesia in which ordered sequences, such as ordinal numbers, days, months and letters are associated with personalities (Simner & Hubbard 2006).

The first time I realise about OLP is through someone’s post and when she said that 6 is a male I made a face and said to myself, but 6 is a female.. she’s in her thirties. I realised then that not everyone thinks the same about this..

So here it is,

1   = male in his fifties

2   = female in her fifties

3   = female in her teenage year

4   = female in her early twenties

5   = male in his mid twenties

6   = female in her thirties

7   = male in his thirties (a little older than 6)

8   = female in her late twenties

9   = female in her late twenties

10 = male in his early thirties

Do you know that the numbers have relationship as well?

The Relationships

1 and 2 are married to each other. They have two daughters, 3 & 4.

4 & 5 are in a relationship. 6 & 7 are in a relationship.

8 & 9 are best friends. 9 & 10 are in a relationship.

1 is a family guy that everyone respect.  His wife, 2 is sweet & everything good… the kindest of all and always nice to everyone.

3  (giggles a lot) is the cute little sister that looks up to 4.

4 is a pretty girl. She has short dark hair and big eyes. She smile a lot and love her sister. Happily in a relationship with 5.

5 is the nice & social handsome guy, he’s in a relationship with 4.

6 isn’t as pretty as 9 and she’s not as healthy as the others but she’s a nice lady. I’m not sure why she get sick easily. Thank God for 7 by her side.

7 is one of my favourite person, he’s just a normal average guy with charms that shows how good he is as a person, and I’m glad that 6 end up with him (she’s the love of his life).

8 has a strong body & mind. Sometimes people could easily take her as a difficult person but she’s actually really nice. She has been friends with 9 since their teenager years despite the personalities differences.

9 is a beautiful & graceful woman. You see, 9 is in love with 10 but for him its just a relationship, I’m not sure that 10 loves 9 as much as 9 loves him.

10 isn’t a bad person but somehow he gives me the bad boy vibes because he doesn’t seem to be sincere towards 9.

I hope that wasn’t crazy enough for you to laugh at my post. Finding a little fact about me feels weird because I never thought there’s a name for what I have and the more I read about synesthesia the interesting it gets because I found out that there are others that associates numbers with colors, word with specific taste, and a lot more!

So? do you think I’m crazy? stupid maybe?

OR do you have genders for numbers too? or maybe letters? months? days?

anyone?

The Aftermath

When things fall apart I feel everything, sometimes it’s too much because I can’t seem to find a solid ground to stand when I’m overwhelmed, I just lost myself with all the feelings and came back to the world as a drained battery but as times goes by I found myself developed a habit to ignore myself. It makes my life easier to keep up with daily life, but… it’s destructing. I didn’t cry when I should’ve cried and I held my feelings back for a long time that it gets really dangerous when I stumbled upon the edge of my sadness. This is the recipe for a disaster, believe me, but then again I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.”

Haruki Murakami

It’s so true and I wish I had known this earlier because now I’m lying on the ground banging my head against the floor regretting what I’ve expected. I don’t think I understand myself even after everything. Tons of things I couldn’t explain to anyone makes it harder, I feel like a freak. I can’t tell anything to anyone about what I’ve been through, I can’t forget the things I’ve been through, I hate myself for making stupid mistakes, I just don’t get myself.

Last Friday I watched dramas to forget things, I stayed up all night long to tire myself out so I won’t have much time to feel sad on Saturday and so I spent half of the day inside my blanket trying to forget the outside world & my feelings. I really thought I would cry myself out because I was sobbing the day before but surprisingly I functioned well that day. I felt nothing that day… I wasn’t happy, for obvious reasons.  I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was but I couldn’t find it. It felt like I was on autopilot. I liked it.

Today is the aftermath of saturday & sunday. My sadness is here, circulating all over my body, flowing through my blood, seeping into the insides of my bones. I feel everything yet I couldn’t say anything.

Here’s to my wrecked mind,

Cheers.

I’m in pain.

I’m sad.

You caused this, you did this to someone else. You’re not supposed to be sad, what the fuck you think you’re doing? People suffered because of you.

I didn’t mean it..

You did, you’re a stupid trash

I know.. I hurt their feelings too much.. I was so mean..

They hate you.. they have scars forever thanks to you!!

I’m sorry..

It doesn’t change anything you stupid.

It doesn’t.. It hurts..

Hurt? You deserved it. 

I hate myself

Me too.. everyone else thinks the same too, you’re an emotionless robot with no heart. You’re a trash.

I don’t deserve to be where I am now..

Yes, you don’t.. you should be in a lot of pain now.

I am in pain..

You need more pain in your life

Why am I like this 😦

You chose this

I did not. I miss me..

This is you.. you’re a horrible person, it’s you.

finally

As I’ve always said, crying doesn’t make you any stronger it just makes you feel relieved.

Sometimes I think that I’m not allowed to be sad when everything around me is all good. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve everything I have now. When people look at me, they say that I’m lucky to be in my position now and I should be grateful for everything, well.. I am grateful for everything but the truth is I feel like I’m failing and collapsing and dying inside. There’s a lot going on inside me that I just can’t tell anyone and last night I finally broke down, I cried so much to the point where I had to say stop to myself.

Things will get better but when will things get better? As far as I remember, I have been keeping everything to myself and not letting anyone knows all about me. The thought of open up to people scares me a lot, nobody can be trusted-even your family. I told myself last night that I have to be strong to face everything because… well, I’ve been strong for myself since I got here. I survived my parents fight, I survived when I was sent here, I survived when I got into my deepest darkest side of my life, I survived when I hit rock bottom, I survived when I thought about suicide, I survived all the nasty things said to me, I survived all my broken hearts, I survived all the crying-myself-to-sleep nights so I have to be brave for whatever lies ahead of me, right?

My tears would fall again later because no matter how much I tell myself to be brave I will still feel scared but I hope until then I can be brave to smile through my tears and laugh off my sadness.

here’s to what lies ahead,

Cheers.

Remember me?

how are you?
do you still remember me?
how long has it been since the last time we met?
3 years ago I had the chance to meet you but I didn’t,

I was too scared to meet you, I was worried whether you would remember me or not, I was afraid of being rejected again,
and that was the day i regret the most.
It still hurts after all this time.
I wanted to meet you so bad that I cried at the thought of it.

ugh,

cheers.