The Aftermath

When things fall apart I feel everything, sometimes it’s too much because I can’t seem to find a solid ground to stand when I’m overwhelmed, I just lost myself with all the feelings and came back to the world as a drained battery but as times goes by I found myself developed a habit to ignore myself. It makes my life easier to keep up with daily life, but… it’s destructing. I didn’t cry when I should’ve cried and I held my feelings back for a long time that it gets really dangerous when I stumbled upon the edge of my sadness. This is the recipe for a disaster, believe me, but then again I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.”

Haruki Murakami

It’s so true and I wish I had known this earlier because now I’m lying on the ground banging my head against the floor regretting what I’ve expected. I don’t think I understand myself even after everything. Tons of things I couldn’t explain to anyone makes it harder, I feel like a freak. I can’t tell anything to anyone about what I’ve been through, I can’t forget the things I’ve been through, I hate myself for making stupid mistakes, I just don’t get myself.

Last Friday I watched dramas to forget things, I stayed up all night long to tire myself out so I won’t have much time to feel sad on Saturday and so I spent half of the day inside my blanket trying to forget the outside world & my feelings. I really thought I would cry myself out because I was sobbing the day before but surprisingly I functioned well that day. I felt nothing that day… I wasn’t happy, for obvious reasons.  I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was but I couldn’t find it. It felt like I was on autopilot. I liked it.

Today is the aftermath of saturday & sunday. My sadness is here, circulating all over my body, flowing through my blood, seeping into the insides of my bones. I feel everything yet I couldn’t say anything.

Here’s to my wrecked mind,

Cheers.

finally

As I’ve always said, crying doesn’t make you any stronger it just makes you feel relieved.

Sometimes I think that I’m not allowed to be sad when everything around me is all good. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve everything I have now. When people look at me, they say that I’m lucky to be in my position now and I should be grateful for everything, well.. I am grateful for everything but the truth is I feel like I’m failing and collapsing and dying inside. There’s a lot going on inside me that I just can’t tell anyone and last night I finally broke down, I cried so much to the point where I had to say stop to myself.

Things will get better but when will things get better? As far as I remember, I have been keeping everything to myself and not letting anyone knows all about me. The thought of open up to people scares me a lot, nobody can be trusted-even your family. I told myself last night that I have to be strong to face everything because… well, I’ve been strong for myself since I got here. I survived my parents fight, I survived when I was sent here, I survived when I got into my deepest darkest side of my life, I survived when I hit rock bottom, I survived when I thought about suicide, I survived all the nasty things said to me, I survived all my broken hearts, I survived all the crying-myself-to-sleep nights so I have to be brave for whatever lies ahead of me, right?

My tears would fall again later because no matter how much I tell myself to be brave I will still feel scared but I hope until then I can be brave to smile through my tears and laugh off my sadness.

here’s to what lies ahead,

Cheers.

the walls you build yourself

credit to the owner

I learned something this morning, empathy. Of course I didn’t know what it was, i thought it was another sympathy word… it’s not. Empathy means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. I don’t even have the ability to understand my own feeling so it was hard for me. I hate it. I tried to listen but the stupid side of me decided to give various unfriendly advice that contains nothing. Where exactly were my feelings? I realised why I’m not good at understanding people, I simply didn’t know what to say. I have few experience related to this part of being human but I didn’t realised how terrible I am until this morning.

There’s a reason why I have 9 diaries, 3 blogs, and several other little notes to spill my heart. I always find it hard to share myself with others, I mean the real me… what I really feel, what I think, what makes me passionate, what freaks me out, what makes me cry instantly, what I love being in love, and thousands other hidden feelings I hold back. I tend to avoid people who wants to be close with me, the stupid wall is still there. It’s all my fault, didn’t try to change myself for good. I think I did opened myself to several people.. well no… several means more than two, so no. I think I did opened myself to specific person(s) I knew, the process was exhausting, the result was average. That was wrong, so wrong. How am I gonna understand other people feelings if I can’t even express myself *sighs* I’m sorry to all my family and friends that had been hurt by my lack of empathy, lack of expressions and sometimes to the extreme of too much unimportant words.

Please don’t hate me, Cheers.

Everything wrong

Hi there.. I'm not sure what to say now, it's all so complicated so be prepared to read unrelated paragraphs and a bit of breaking down.

credit to the owner

credit to the owner

A joke I had with a friend about me being "everything wrong" is slowly getting real in my life. I guess I have to stop joking about this.

I wanna be strong for myself, for my future, for everyone in my life but there are people who just let you down like that's the right thing to do. Did I do wrong all this time ? Am I doing everything wrong ? What should I do to fix everything ? What should I do to have answers for these questions ?

I hate that I can't enjoy some things just because I have nothing to enjoy. Wth did i said? Yes, just like when you want to celebrate Father's day but you don't have one or because you lost yours. There are thousands of feelings and celebrations I can't enjoy.

People's first impression of me is mostly about how I look irritable (sometimes scary or rude) which is not entirely false, I always have a wall of defense with new people. It's hard to get close with anyone, well gotta admit I don't really like opening up myself to others... I hate being vulnerable. Luckily people around me doesn't ask much, it's good. 

So the thing is, I just had a bad morning mood. I feel guilty. I would like to fix it. I just don't know how so I write this. I hope you're having a great morning.

bye,

Cheers.