Long drafted feelings

I’m on the verge of crying…

I’m holding my tears now. ugh i hate this kind of situation. I want to go. I

 

the above opening lines were written on January *sighs* I always have stupid sad feelings in the first few days of new year. It’s april now and no I’m not on the verge of crying. Hows your first few months of 2016? Mine are much better than last year, because I remember I was in so much pain for the first few months, I cried a lot – for different reasons.

hey, its May… I’ve ignored my draft for almost a month. typical. I stopped writing about the pain because I was reading my ohlife notes trying to remember what kind of pain I had and got carried on. I’m doing so much better this year, the painful burden has lifted off of my shoulders, my eyes no longer cry for days with the same problem, I enjoy my freedom.

The freedom that I’ve longed for years. The freedom that I thought would free me *inserts cynical laughs* I honestly thought I would feel much better and happier with it so I can forget the pain… I was partly wrong.

 

hey, its still May.. the 20th. I forgot to continue because I had so much on my mind, call me lazy or whatever but I can’t write when I’m overwhelmed, too busy thinking about things I hate & love.

 

HEY ITS JUNE. First of June… I have been too busy with my mind these days, it’s hard to keep up with life. I can’t believe we’re in the middle o

 

hey there, it’s October 18 now… I ignored this draft for 3 months and here I am trying to write what I feel about 2016.

2016 has been pretty good so far,

  • I got to watch a concert while having a trip with new friends
  • Yes, new friends… I managed to add new friends in my life, something I’ve never imagined before.
  • I bought 2 novels for less than $10 in Singapore
  • I’m learning to ignore what people think about me but damn it’s hard
  • More painful past memory popped out
  • but still less crying compared to the first half of 2015
  • I found out what I’ve searched for
  • and still trying to understand so I can accept it
  • Felt relieved & frustrated at the same time when I learned about some things

I struggled so much at the first stage of letting go of something behind, I cried and cried and cried but it only add up my sadness… I felt lost and empty. I cursed myself for feeling so lost because I’m the one who wanted to let go of things but turned out it was one of the hardest thing in my life. I remember crying for half a day, spending the rest of the afternoon wrapped in my blanket trying to forget the outside world. I couldn’t accept the reality.

It’s like having 2 persons in 1 body.

The one who is in constant fear doesn’t want to let go, she’s afraid of being alone, she’s afraid of changes.

The one who is anxious about almost everything wants to go away from it, she wants to be free, she wants to live her life normally, she wants to be happy.

I kept going back & forth about my decision, even after I decided to let go I still found a part of me wanting to go back again. I hate myself so much for doing so, how could I think about going back to what almost destroyed me completely. HOWEVER, that was all in the past.. I can proudly say that I’ve passed the letting go part and I’m moving on with my life now although I still find myself regretting the past until this day, regretting and despising myself when the memories popped out.

All these years…. Maybe I should talk to someone about what happened but I don’t know who to talk to. I can’t bring myself to talk about it. I don’t know…

ANYWAY

How’s your 2016 so far?

I’m not saying this carelessly or just saying because this is what people should tell everyone but I sincerely hope you’re doing better than 2015…

ps. it’s the 26th now, I forgot to post earlier because of things (again). It took me almost 10 months to finalise and publish this *sighs*

here’s to my last day being 26 on the 26th,

Cheers.

the old & painful

Tears has stopped but I can still feel my pain.

Eyes are dried but they’re empty.

I thought my cried was a sympathy to some cheesy drama but I realize it was my scar.

 

That old and painful scar,

the one that made me doubt myself,

the one that dried my heart out,

the one that gave me insecurities,

the one that took my picture perfect.

 

My past is behind me for a reason,

they’re what I made of,

but they’re also the nightmares I have,

they’re like a constant reminder of what I am.

 

And people say you have today, your present, my present.

My present is not what I expected,

but then everyone else never expected the present.

The present is always different from what we had imagined,

some are different,

some are pretty different,

and some are too different, they can’t accept it.

 

To think about the future is a bit too much for me, I sometimes forget about the struggles and fights I have to deal.

Every scenario I had in mind is like a wasted notes I keep in a locked drawer, they’re useless.

In the end I get tired imagining all good things.

 

It’s easy to ignore the scar but I can’t free myself from the pain.

Maybe that’s why I tend to cry even more easily this year.

 

I hope to feel better,

Cheers.

first 3 hours to 4 days getaway

landing

Good to be back! Excuse me for being excited over a little blog I love. As you all don’t know I just had a fairly good getaway for 4 days.

Let’s begin

I spent 3 hours on plane to get there..I’ve been on a plane several times but I’m not a fan of flying around so I did my best not to panic during the flight with cookies and games and movies and songs.

I sat on the second row from the back (aisle seat)..numerously pushed by people’s butts on their way to go to the lavatory.

I remembered the Japanese family behind me chatted before the plane take off I surely have no idea what they mean but they sounded excited (or it’s just the way they talk?) … oh and their son sat comfortably playing his DS.

15 minutes after the take off I saw a girl sleeping with her mouth wide open absorbing the oxygen around and made everyone raised an eyebrow. She definitely wasn’t a sleeping beauty.

I looked to the window from afar and began to calm myself, “You’re okay.. everyone’s enjoying their flight.. I’m not okay I have to go out but where, I have to get out of this plane.. Easy there, you’ll be fine.. you’ll get there safely.. Excuse me, can you stop the plane and get back to ground.. I’m afraid.. *inhale deeply* Ok I got this, I am not panic  I must not panic I’m okay.. Yes I am okay.. God help me.. Please help me.. and so on. My self-calming was on during half of the flight maybe, it was an on-off panic.

Quacker Oats cookies- Honey & Nuts tasted really sweet up there. I couldn’t eat since I open my eyes at 2.30 am and my body begged me to eat before I humiliate myself. I managed to eat 2 cookies with difficulties of feeling the impulse to throw up.

I tried to calm myself with songs.. I listened to Chantal Chamberland’s How Deep is Your Love and get carried away with her voice so I closed my eyes..relaxed..sleepy.. and suddenly deaf. Thank you pressure changes!

I had this on my mind at home, “I will take pictures of clouds and oceans and islands and everything” and I just sat there watching Johnny English, ate a cookie, went deaf, and panicked.

So the 3 hours flight finally ended when I saw the cute little mountains and islands (I had  a hard time trying to look over the window from my seat).

The weather was amazing. Calming blue sky with great rays of sun over the refreshing deep blue water.

I was so happy when the plane touched the ground, Thank God.

I was walking down the stairs when I realized that the Japanese were documenting their trip (I was right behind them), I always feel ugly whenever there’s a video-cam around.. let’s just hope that I was not in the frame..it’s weird to think that you’re in someone else’s video, home-video. Ugh.

So thank you for reading this 🙂

Have a safe flight,

happy passenger.