The reason why

I write here because I feel very uncomfortable to speak to anyone about what I feel and because I don’t have the strength to say this in person.

An open letter to my father.

Did you get my text? Did you know that I asked for your number because I wanted to reach out to you even though it was just a happy new year greeting? Didn’t you hear stories about me from mom? Is it that hard to call me and ask how I’m doing now? How have you been?

I texted him earlier this January but I got nothing, I guess the number was out of order. He changed his number maybe.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he didn’t try to reach out to me for once. I was so nervous when I asked his number to my sister & mom because I’ve never done that before. It took a huge amount of courage to ask his number considering I’ve never talked about him to my family and well, he only asked to my mom about me.  I was just trying to reach out but maybe its not the right time, yet. Maybe he’s afraid, just like me.

A new year is coming but I still can’t believe he has new kids now. It’s painful to hear stories from my sister talking about how he visit them with his new kids. I’m not sure what to do if I ever get to meet them.

A new year is coming but I still cry at the thought of meeting him. It’s ridiculous and weird and stupid.

A new year is coming but I still get stuck with this pain. I wonder if I have the courage to make peace with him next year.