hi there

I remember a few months ago I had trouble sleeping for a week, I constantly woken up around 2-3 am every night and had several nightmares. Sometimes the dreams were so real I even dreamed about seeing things in my room (the picture was so vivid I thought it was for real), I was so afraid I slept with the lights on that week. The thing is, the next morning I woke up like nothing happened…well I did felt really tired at work, but other than that I was okay..

But today I woke up with an uneasy feeling (again, yes I’ve had this several times) and still not sure why.. I didn’t have any nightmares or anything so it’s kinda confusing. Has anyone ever been in this kind of situation?

Anyway, I tried my hardest to focus at work today..

above picture is my doodle of the day,

Cheers.

10 random doodles

I feel extremely uneasy today… so I made 10 random doodles at work.

 

 

 

I feel better,

Cheers.

 

please

I don’t know who to blame for what I’ve been through but last night I blamed myself for remembering some of the most painful memories I have.

It’s crazy how memories just popped out randomly. I was on my way home and suddenly my mind was really painful, I could feel my eyes were watery. When I took a shower, my eyes hurts a lot from holding the tears, I splashed my face with water so the tears would go away. I saw my reflection in the mirror, my eyes were slowly turning red. I hate that kind of situation. I was so mad at myself.

NO. I’m fine.

credit to me

 

Why do we only have 1 life? Why can’t we have several lives?
You know.. in case of something terrible happen and you can’t get yourself out of it. In case you kinda lost yourself somewhere and you just can’t pull yourself together. In case you forgot how to be a human. In case you don’t understand what you’re feeling.

I was so distant with everyone I used to cry myself to sleep
It felt good.. Crying myself to sleep is one of my favorite things to do
I did that a lot.. to the point of being sick of crying.
I wrote somewhere in my old blog that crying doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you weaker.
I was right, right?

I grew up with no concern of being hurt or anything
I grew up forgetting and avoiding painful memories
I grew up struggling with my anxiety which nobody knows
I grew up worrying if I would ever be good enough
I grew up trying to bury my past and present
I grew up building my walls

It was all good
I was safe from everyone..
No one could hurt me anymore
No one could make feel left out anymore

so I learned how to push people
I learned how to blame people
I learned how to accept things without asking anything
I learned how to shut my mouth
I learned how to break inside without telling anyone
I learned how to struggle quietly
I learned how to be strong on the outside so no one will mess with me
I learned how to disguise feelings
I learned how to fake smiles
I learned how to make up stories
I learned how to sugar-coat my worries
I learned how to forget things
I learned how to ignore things
I learned how to numb myself
I learned that no one will always be there for me
I learned that nothing in this world is easy
I learned how to be alone
I learned how to survive alone

but still.. I really should thank God that I’m still alive..

well,

Cheers.

it’s ridiculous

It’s ridiculous.

It’s ridiculous..

I don’t have time to get mad at him

I don’t have time to be in touch with him

I don’t have time to call him dad

I haven’t talked to him for over  10 years,

so i thought he forgot about me when I saw a picture of him with his new family

I was stunned, the silent thought of being forgotten is so painful

 

Do you know how it feels to look at a person that was once so important in your life is now nothing more than a stranger ?

he’s just someone I knew once..

he’s just someone I used to call dad..

but now, he’s nothing more than a stranger..

No matter how much I cry the pain grows bigger

Does time heals everything? Does it even work?

It’s been over 10 years, so why does it still hurts?

the old & painful

Tears has stopped but I can still feel my pain.

Eyes are dried but they’re empty.

I thought my cried was a sympathy to some cheesy drama but I realize it was my scar.

 

That old and painful scar,

the one that made me doubt myself,

the one that dried my heart out,

the one that gave me insecurities,

the one that took my picture perfect.

 

My past is behind me for a reason,

they’re what I made of,

but they’re also the nightmares I have,

they’re like a constant reminder of what I am.

 

And people say you have today, your present, my present.

My present is not what I expected,

but then everyone else never expected the present.

The present is always different from what we had imagined,

some are different,

some are pretty different,

and some are too different, they can’t accept it.

 

To think about the future is a bit too much for me, I sometimes forget about the struggles and fights I have to deal.

Every scenario I had in mind is like a wasted notes I keep in a locked drawer, they’re useless.

In the end I get tired imagining all good things.

 

It’s easy to ignore the scar but I can’t free myself from the pain.

Maybe that’s why I tend to cry even more easily this year.

 

I hope to feel better,

Cheers.

the walls you build yourself

credit to the owner

I learned something this morning, empathy. Of course I didn’t know what it was, i thought it was another sympathy word… it’s not. Empathy means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. I don’t even have the ability to understand my own feeling so it was hard for me. I hate it. I tried to listen but the stupid side of me decided to give various unfriendly advice that contains nothing. Where exactly were my feelings? I realised why I’m not good at understanding people, I simply didn’t know what to say. I have few experience related to this part of being human but I didn’t realised how terrible I am until this morning.

There’s a reason why I have 9 diaries, 3 blogs, and several other little notes to spill my heart. I always find it hard to share myself with others, I mean the real me… what I really feel, what I think, what makes me passionate, what freaks me out, what makes me cry instantly, what I love being in love, and thousands other hidden feelings I hold back. I tend to avoid people who wants to be close with me, the stupid wall is still there. It’s all my fault, didn’t try to change myself for good. I think I did opened myself to several people.. well no… several means more than two, so no. I think I did opened myself to specific person(s) I knew, the process was exhausting, the result was average. That was wrong, so wrong. How am I gonna understand other people feelings if I can’t even express myself *sighs* I’m sorry to all my family and friends that had been hurt by my lack of empathy, lack of expressions and sometimes to the extreme of too much unimportant words.

Please don’t hate me, Cheers.

i just realised how much of a failure my life has been

Nobody really knows me. Not even my parents (oh where were you all these years ?) , not even my aunt (well she knows nothing but the surface), not even the people that are categorised as my close ones (nope, they think they know me), who else ? my friends? (oh dearest thank you for having me as a friend).

I have issues with expressing myself, I find it hard to say what I want, I find it super hard to speak out my mind, I find it hard to socialise because I always try to fit in. I was never good enough and still not so I gave up to care about others.

It’s actually painful to think about the wasted years I thought was beautiful, to think about the feelings I kept to myself, to think about the stupid tears I shed, to think about the regrets I can’t count, and to think about the list of people I pushed away.

that’s what makes me hated by so many people.

*sighs,

cheers.

2013, what a year!

oh look my january 6 note! yep, credit to me

I’ve been really emotional for the last 4 months.  The changes I wrote earlier here in my blog are serious matters I just didn’t realize it until it happened.

Let me just tell you about my not so beautiful but pretty meaningful 2013,

I congratulated myself in early January for making it on another website (other than my blogs), originally I wanted my wallpaper to appear on December but well I was too late so I submit another one for January. I checked the website on New Year 2013 and was over the top when I saw my shot among others. I remember bragged about it to my best friend almost everyday.

February came. It was supposed to be a loving and caring and sweet month (according to my personal thoughts) but right on the Valentine’s Day something happened. She tried her best not to break down in public, she’s good with putting a brave & happy face. She is one tough woman.

March was the happy month for me, F1 started in Australia – though I couldn’t watch it – with Raikkonen as a winner, which was great because it was one of his easiest & brilliant wins. As a fan, I admire his brilliance of driving, I was proud that he beat Ferrari & Red Bulls.

April. I went to my hometown for almost a week, met my family, and passed through the streets I used to walk. Remembering the past is bittersweet.

May. I remembered writing for OhLife, think I started it last month… I sprained my ankle in a mysterious way. The rest of the days were blurry except the races I watched.

June was the first stage of my stressful days at work though I had fun when my cousins spent the holidays here. I knew the changes would come to me this year but I didn’t really think about how to deal or how to at least accept it.

August, oh august all I can remember is how long I waited F1 summer break to be over just to get disappointed at Spa. Kimi did not finished. DNF. RAI OUT. Felt seriously sorry for him.  Sometimes you ran out of luck, that’s what he said.

September, the month who started it all. Things happened that month, the happy journey, the scary new path, the sad instincts, and the hard-to-accept facts.

I turned 24 on October; little did I know was I had to deal with some major breakdowns with myself. I had troubles accepting some facts, I tried hard to ignore it but nothing happened except that I broke down. Big time.

November marked the last appearance of Mark Webber in F1 races, good to see him in FIA Gala and of course Vettel & Alonso…  Kimi finished 5^th on the championship, not bad for someone who had a back surgery (and pissed of not being paid) and missed the last 2 races.

Finally December! Well a part of me was ecstatic for Christmas, for the New Year, for the new season ahead; most of all is for the holidays.  Kimi’s surgery went well and he went to visit Maranello before Christmas, he’s back! Nice to see news about how the team is happy to have Kimi back.

A part of me is freaking out of the unfinished tasks I have, I’ve been using the holidays escape my responsibilities. It’s getting worse. Believe it or not, I missed work today.. it wasn’t intended but glad that it happened.

I’m going to miss 2013 so bad with all the memories but I’m sure there’ll be tons of new ones next year. All I need is to be brave, for myself.

I hope everyone will treasure your most unforgettable magical moments this year without any regrets,

Cheers.

“It’s freaking October!”, I wrote 3 months ago

Hi.

I still can’t believe that we’re on the 3rd day of October WHATT! I think I just wrote about the F1 opening season at Australia last month. 

I haven’t post anything here since September because I simply had no energy left to write anything about my days. I rarely check my personal email since last month, I worked overtime for almost everyday for the past 3 weeks, I struggled with panics, I stressed over a project, I interviewed an applicant for the first time, and I struggled with my anxiety before every single meetings. Remember the changes I told you guys earlier this year ? It’s now, it is the time to have major changes at life. Besides God who gives me strengths (and hopes and love) to carry on I feel grateful for everyone around me and of course F1.

I have plenty things to say! I’m both happy & sad that the season is almost over, Kimi is now 4th on the championship 😦 I want him to move up to 2nd or 3rd. The news related to Ferrari was a shock to me because I never think about the possibility (ever). Everyone was shocked I think, there were numerous different comments about the move, some were supportive, some were amazed by the fact that Ferrari will have the strongest line up driver for next year, and some were confused. I was confused. Kimi suits Lotus. Lotus match with Kimi. I like them. After all the massive news Kimi finally answered why, it was because of the money.. Lotus haven’t paid his salary this year. Lotus was reportedly unhappy with his answer but we all know that Kimi always answer straight & honest. I heard some people talk about how Kimi motivation was only money and not the race now that’s hilarious. He flew all around the world with his own money to race and get podiums for a team that haven’t paid him, that’s a real racing addict you got.

He simply like racing that’s why he still racing and get podiums for the team. I admire his work but mostly his attitude, he shut his mouth until he had to answer why he decided to leave Lotus next year. That’s called respect for the team.

So today is October 8 and I’m trying to continue what I started. The podium at Singapore was unexpected for Kimi, he was suffering from a bad back and barely made it through the qualification but showed up on Sunday ready to race. He was unbelievable. He started from 12th, had some fun with overtaking some cars, the team made a great strategy and it worked! Kimi stuck behind Jenson –

again I stopped and forgot to finish that paragraph, so here I am on December 9th. Welcome to December.

This is the longest break for every F1 fan, winter break, waiting and waiting for the testing, first race, new teammates, and everything else. There’s nothing much for us except trying to save money with a hope to watch a live gp.

To all F1 fans around the world,

Cheers.